Tobi's First Impression
by Crimson Cupcake
Summary: Akatsuki are faced with a problem. Sasori is dead. Who to replace him? Pein has an idea. But the problem is, nobody else likes it much. -Manga Spoilers- Total crack! Please R&R!


**A/N: -kills self- I'm so sorry! I just HAD to do another crack! I mean, it's like, so addictive...anyone would know if they wrote crack too Well, I hope you like this one, so enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: Do I own Naruto? This fic shall answer your question.**

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There they were: eight figures on ten stone fingers. Their cloaks were legendary. Each member was an S-classed criminal and utterly serious. The leader, a shadowy figure nobody but the co-leader could see, was standing on the right thumb of the stone statue. And he was talking.

"...As Deidara has pointed out, Sasori's death has been a dreadful blow to us all," he was saying. "Therefore, I have found someone else to fill in his position. Someone who is worthy of becoming an Akatsuki member."

There were whispers heard amongst the various members as they talked with themselves. Admittedly, most of them were a lot more than whispers.

"Sasori died now? Nobody tells me anything here, seriously," yelled the figure standing on the left hand's pointer. Apparently, we are to learn that his name is Hidan.

"That's because you're the newest member," grinned the figure standing on the left hand's index finger. For future reference, he shall be known as Kisame.

"And Deidara's the second newest," Hidan retorted even louder than before.

"Hey, so what yeah?" Deidara screamed, standing on the pointer of the right hand, directly opposite Hidan. "At least people tell me something!"

"Shut up, both of you," Mr. Standing-on-left-hand-middle-finger guy also known as Kakuzu growled.

"Why don't you?" both of them bellowed back.

Kakuzu grimaced and clasped his ears, momentarily deaf, considering Hidan was standing on the immediate right of him.

"For this, I'd have to go for-" Zetsu attempted to butt in. Key word here is 'attempted'.

"Nobody cares about your opinion, Zetsu!" Hidan screeched nastily.

"**Nor your opinion, Hidan," **the black side muttered just as nastily.

"Cut it out guys," Konan backed away. Her feet hit something that felt like air and she quickly moved back to her original position, which was on the middle finger of the right hand.

"You never speak in meetings," Deidara looked at her in surprise.

"Apparently, she does," Itachi defended.

"Ooooohhh look who Leader-sama's going to kill tonight, yeah," Deidara grinned. Both Konan and Itachi gave him death stares. Surprised and a little creeped out, the blond pyromaniac tripped over his own feet and crashed onto the floor, making an unmistakable _BANG! _which resonated throughout the cave.

"Art is a bang, huh?" Hidan scoffed. "That was artistic then."

"S-Shut up, yeah!" Deidara grimaced, then jumped back to his respective spot, which was unluckily in between the death stare givers.

However, the Bang had its uses. Everyone had stopped arguing and their sole attention was on Deidara, who ducked his head in shame.

"We shall get back to business," the Leader announced, sparing the blond from the death threats and glares. "As I was saying, we will recruit a new member to replace Sasori."

At this point, Deidara began sobbing. "Sasori no Danna! I missed you...yeah..."

The Leader ignored him. "That member, who is waiting outside, will replace Sasori. His name is-"

"I'm still surprised anyone still agrees to join Akatsuki, seriously. I mean, first Orochimaru left, then Sasori, who knows when the rest will leave?" Hidan growled.

The Leader ignored him too. "His name is Tobi. First of all, let me tell you his likes and dislikes so that you don't get on his bad side. Here's the good news. He is totally serious, and probably lacks more emotion than even Itachi."

Everyone gave said weasel a surprised look. Nobody thought that was even possible. He himself just scoffed. Evidently, he didn't believe that either.

"How's that good news?" Kisame asked. "It's already boring enough in here _with_ Itachi-san." Another death glare was sent in his direction from guess-who. Kisame wisely ignored it.

"It means he won't screw up on missions like Sasori did," Leader growled dangerously.

At this, Deidara started crying harder. "Sasori no Danna! He didn't screw up on missions, yeah!" So much for being totally serious.

The Leader ignored him as usual. "Okay, it's true Sasori didn't screw up. I take that back. But he screwed up when he let the- Urgh, whatever! Now let me get back on subject. There's more good news. He is just about the most powerful man there is. Remember, it's Tobi. Nobody else. Now for the bad news. Um...uh...where did I put that scroll again?" The Leader of Akatsuki, the infamous criminal organization, began digging into his cloak to find a scroll. Unable to find it, he straightened up again.

"Well, I'll just make things up then," Leader said smartly. "Tobi likes to compare himself to an apple. You see, apples come in all different sorts of types. There are red apples, green apples, purple apples, orange apples, black apples, blue apples..."

At this point, everyone was going WTF? Only one person was brave (or stupid) enough to point it out.

"Look, bastard. There aren't any purple, black or blue apples! I'm not so sure about orange but get your facts right, seriously!" Hidan said loudly.

"He said something intelligent for once," Kakuzu looked alarmed.

Leader, however, didn't seem to notice. "...and Tobi himself likes to be compared to an orange apple. He also likes being compared to lollipops. They are nice and they look like his mask..."

"He has a mask now?" Zetsu asked.

"...and he says that his mask even tastes like lollipop!"

At this, Itachi puked.

Kisame turned, alarmed. "Itachi-san! You actually-"

"...Did I mention Tobi liked marshmallows and..." Leader droned on.

Itachi turned green, as in bright green, but managed to push out a few words. "Shut. Up. Kis. A. Me."

Kakuzu blinked. "Did he just say: Shut up kiss me?"

Deidara covered his mouth to stop a cascade of giggles escaping. "He said Shut up Kis. A. Me, yeah," he said proudly.

"No he didn't!" Kakuzu argued.

"Did!"

"Not!"

"Did!"

"Not!"

"How old are you again, yeah?"

"Three hundred years old." Kakuzu puffed out his chest importantly.

"Well your hearing must have screwed up, yeah," Deidara snickered.

"Oi! Are you saying there's something wrong with my ears too?" Hidan roared.

"You heard kiss me, too?" Konan asked, surprise written all over her face.

"Some bullshit like that."

Both Konan and Deidara burst into a fit of laughter.

"You...guys...have...gotta...be...joking...yeah!"

"Seriously, shut up," Hidan fumed.

"Maybe it's something to do with the fact that you guys are the furtherest away," Konan said thoughtfully, returning to her serious and calm mode.

"**Deidara, I never knew you were a lady too," **Zetsu's black side jeered.

"O-o-oi! Who said I was a lady, yeah?"

"Well, you laugh like one," Zetsu's white side smirked.

"And I thought you were the good side," the pyromaniac muttered.

"Stop trying to deny it, Deidara. You're a girl and you know it." Kisame seemed glad that the argument had moved away from him.

"No I'm not! Besides, your name sounds like kiss me!" Deidara argued. Kisame turned blue-er at this.

"I've gotta agree with Deidara on this one," Kakuzu put in.

"Dammit, me too, seriously," Hidan muttered reluctantly.

"Well, I'm still going for Kisame." Konan stood her ground.

"Pfft." Hidan rolled his eyes, and was struck by a sudden idea. "Hey, Itachi, say your partner's name again, seriously."

Itachi twitched, not wanting to get into the argument. He had returned to his normal and totally serious self and did not like being pushed around, especially from a certain Jashinist. Nevertheless, he realized he had no choice. "Kisame."

Kisame turned, looking alarmed. "What, Itachi-san?"

Konan raised a hand to cover her mouth, although a slight giggle managed to escape. It didn't take a genius to know that she was cracking.

Deidara snickered behind his blonde locks. "Kiss a me," he smirked, whispering the 'a' so that it was virtually unheard.

Konan clasped another hand over her mouth. By now, her eyes were watering with the effort to not laugh.

"Itachi, say Kiss me," Kakuzu droned. The effect was somehow ruined because he was riffling quickly through his money, probably from his last bounty.

Itachi twitched again. "No."

"Yes!" Kakuzu retorted, with the money now safely in his Akatsuki cloak.

"No." Insert twitch here.

"Yes!" Hidan joined in.

"No." Insert another twitch here.

"Yes!" Deidara joined in.

This time, Itachi's hand actually felt down to his weapons holder, as well as twitch for the...fifth time?

"Itachi, remember the rules, no killing other members," Zetsu warned.

"**Kakuzu always killed his partners," **his black side pointed out.

"But Itachi is a prodigy!" his white side added. "He'd obey the rules...right?"

Kakuzu's eyes grew dangerously narrow. "Are you saying I'm not a prodigy?"

"N-n-no...remember Kakuzu, no killing other members, especially not me," Zetsu murmured.

Kakuzu growled, but returned to their argument.

"Say it, Itachi!" he commanded.

Itachi opened his mouth, hopefully to say something intelligent, but Leader interrupted.

"AS I WAS SAYING...Tobi is a valuable addition to our ranks. And now, if he may enter...?"

The roof of their hideout opened, and a certain orange-masked _something_ tumbled inside. Deidara scowled.

"Hello, and welcome to: Madara's Magic Museum!" the _something_ declared proudly. It earned confused looks and sweatdrops.

"Madara?"

"Magic?"

"Museum?"

"Well, it is an alliteration, and quite catchy," Zetsu put in. What came out was seven death glares.

"Huh?" The _something_ which was apparently Tobi looked around, confused. "This isn't my magic show?" Now everyone could see him properly, with an orange swirly mask on with one eyehole that even smelt of lollipop. Itachi puked again.

"No, candy," Hidan fumed. "This isn't your stupid magic show, seriously."

"Besides, I thought your name was Tobi, not Madara?" Kisame asked.

"Well, Tobi's Magic Show didn't sound good enough, so I made it Magic Museum. But then the Tobi part didn't fit, so I invented this name called Madara, you see?" Tobi said proudly.

Insert sweatdrops here.

"I thought Madara was-" Itachi began.

"Madara is someone from my imagination," Tobi said firmly. "Now, where am I again?"

"You're in Akatsuki," Leader stage-whispered.

"Oh yeah...sorry, I messed it up. Tobi is a good boy," he said sheepishly. Deidara's scowl darkened, but Leader took this as an opportunity to go on.

"Now, Tobi is accepted into Akatsuki. His partner will be..."

Everyone tensed.

"Orochimaru!"

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

Seven sweatdrops greeted the Akatsuki leader.

"Pein, Orochimaru left a few years ago," Konan said helpfully.

"Uh..." Leader, or should I say Pein, hurriedly looked at his hand. "I mean, Deidara!"

_Crash._

Deidara had smashed his head against the wall.

"Uh...Deidara?" Konan poked him.

No reply.

"Deidara?"

Nothing.

"Jashin dammit! Konan's trying to ask you something, retard!" Hidan yelled.

"I'm not getting him for a partner, yeah!" Deidara screeched back.

"Could've said so earlier," Kisame muttered.

Deidara twitched. "You'd be angry too if you had him for a partner too, yeah!"

"I'd rather him that this!" Kakuzu bellowed, pointing one intimidating finger towards Hidan.

"Sugar, excuse me, seriously?" Hidan shouted.

"QUIET!" Pein bellowed.

Silence…

"Tobi is a good boy."

Twitch.

Everything happened all at once. Deidara pounced onto Tobi, who was screaming and flailing around pitifully. Kakuzu had sliced Hidan's head off, and the Jashinist's head was screaming curses. Konan entered Deidara's fray, trying to get him off their newest member. Pein has smashed his head onto the wall, and Itachi and Zetsu were having a polite conversation about tea.

"Stop. Hitting. Me. Now."

Silence.

All movement had stopped, including Deidara's twitching. Everyone was so shocked. Tobi had actually taken off his mask! insert fangirl squeal here

"Aren't you that Madiro dude?" Zetsu broke the silence.

Madara scowled. "No. My name is Uchiha Madara."

"I thought Madara was someone of your imagination?" Itachi asked carefully.

"Madara does exist!" Madara snapped. "Madara, or I, founded the Uchiha Clan and Konoha. But they betrayed me and-"

"Yeah yeah, we've heard enough, yeah," Deidara growled.

"Three 'yeah's in one sentence!" Tob- Madara's eyes grew to the size of coins. Kakuzu's eyes lightened up. "Cool as!" the Uchiha breathed.

Deidara sweatdropped. "Whatever, yeah."

"Money?" Kakuzu whispered. Madara ignored him.

"I am the Real Leader of Akatsuki!" Madara announced dramatically.

"Aren't I?" Pein asked.

"No, you're just this random someone I hired," he snapped.

"Someone who wears a pineapple mask isn't worth being our sherbet leader," Hidan coughed.

"Pay more respect to _The _Real Leader of this random organization known as Akatsuki!" Konan declared.

At this point, Pein started crying.

"K-Ko-Konan…how could you do this to me?" he sobbed, practically flooding the Akatsuki base. Konan looked slightly guilty.

"But Pein! Madara-sama _is_ the real leader!" she protested.

"But-But- I thought you cared about me!" Pein sniffed.

"I do! But-" Konan blinked as Pein ran out of the hideout with a puff of smoke.

"Well there goes our fake leader." Itachi looked bored.

"No matter! The _Real_ Leader is here!" Madara cried dramatically once more.

"Nobody cares," Deidara complained.

"Excuse me? Deitrima?"

Deidara frowned. "Who the hell is Deitrima, yeah? My name is Deidara!"

"Deikarita, whatever," Madara rolled his eyes. Deidara twitched again. Akatsuki members probably use the twitching expression the most out of all of them.

"And now, if we will get back down to business? I heard that there are two more Bijuu's to be captured. And why the _hell_ are you telling Sasuke of all people to capture the Eight-tailed?" Madara thundered.

"Actually, it was your idea," Konan pointed out.

"This leader actually cares about something, for once," Kisame looked genuinely surprised.

"Are you saying Pein doesn't?" Konan asked murderously.

"N-n-no..." The ten most powerful criminals in the Naruto Universe cowered in a corner under her furious stare.

Outside, Pein grinned. "That's my Konan."

Back inside, Konan sneezed. "Someone's definitely talking about me. Deidaarraaa!"

Deidara backed away into the darkest corner of all time with a look that could've convinced anyone he was already dead. The other members, except Konan, scooted away from him as quickly as possible.

"Do you know who's talking about me?" Konan asked sweetly, smiling. Deidara blinked.

"N-no yeah..."

"Is that a 'no' or a 'yeah'?" Hidan snickered.

"No!" Deidara shrieked, biting his tongue to stop the 'yeah' coming out.

"Fair enough," Konan shrugged, and walked off. "Meeting adjourned. Dismissed!" With a wave of her hand, she walked out of the hideout.

That left the rest of the members wondering what she meant.

Madara blinked after her. "I thought I was the leader," he protested weakly.

"You are," Itachi murmured.

Hidan sniggered. "I bet it was just her time of the month."

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**A/N: My longest oneshot/chapter yet! W00t! XD Truthfully, I had no idea how to end this, so I hope I didn't do too badly **

**So...review? It doesn't take a minute! Please? **

**Have a nice day, then After you review**

**Art is a bang XD**


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